The 5 languages of Love/Communication
The five universal languages of love or communication describe five ways that people receive and express love in a relationship. These are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts.
Knowing your partner’s love language and letting them know yours is a way to help you both feel loved and appreciated. Author and pastor Gary Chapman describes how to use these love languages to show your partner you care for them in a way that speaks to their heart.
The Five Love Languages
Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages” was first published in 1992. Before writing the book, Chapman began to notice patterns in couples he was counseling. He realized that the couples were misunderstanding each other’s needs.
That led him to come up with five love languages, or ways that people in relationships express love. They are:
Words of affirmation
1.Words of Affirmation
“Words of affirmation” is about expressing affection through spoken words, praise, or appreciation. When this is someone’s primary love language, they enjoy kind words and encouragement, uplifting quotes, love notes, and cute text messages. You can make this person’s day by complimenting them or pointing out what they do well.
2. Quality Time
Someone with this love language wants undivided attention. They feel loved if you are present and focused on them when you are together. This means putting down the cell phone, turning off the computer, making eye contact, and actively listening.
People with this love language are looking for quality over quantity.
3. Physical Touch
A person with physical touch as their primary love language feels love through physical affection. Aside from sex, they feel loved when their partner holds their hand, touches their arm, or gives them a massage at the end of the day, for example.
This person’s idea of a perfect date might include cuddling on the couch with a glass of wine and a good movie. They simply want to be close to their partner physically.
4. Acts of Service
Acts of service are nice things you do for your partner that make them feel loved and appreciated, such as:
- Helping with the dishes
- Running errands
- Vacuuming
- Putting gas in the car
If your partner’s main love language is acts of service, they’ll notice and appreciate little things you do for them. They tend to perform acts of service and kindness for others, too.
5. Receiving Gifts
For someone who uses and responds to this love language, gift-giving indicates love and affection. They treasure not only the gift itself but also the time and effort the gift-giver put into it.
People who enjoy receiving gifts as part of their primary love language do not necessarily expect large or expensive presents; it’s more the effort and thoughtfulness behind the gift that count.
When you take the time to pick out a gift specifically for them, it tells them you really know them. People with this love language can often remember every little gift they have received from their loved ones because it makes such an impact on them.
How to Identify Your Love Language
In a relationship, do you feel more loved when your partner:
- Tells you, “I love you,” or praises something you did?
- Surprises you with a meaningful gift?
- Plans a trip for just the two of you?
- Runs the errands or does the laundry?
- Holds your hand while you’re walking?
Answering these questions could give you a hint as to what your love language might be. You could also try to recall the sorts of things you ask for in a relationship or consider how you express love to your partner.
Your partner’s love language might not be the same as yours. When couples have different primary love languages, there are bound to be misunderstandings. However, if your partner learns to speak your love language (and you, theirs), they will likely feel loved, appreciated, and, ultimately, happier in the relationship.
If you want to find your love language, or your partner’s, or your child’s you need to work with a trained psychologist on the 5 languages of love.
How Love Languages Benefit Relationships
We all express and receive love differently. Learning and understanding those differences can have a meaningful impact on your relationship. According to Chapman, this is one of the simplest ways to improve your relationships. Here are some other ways learning your respective love languages could be beneficial.
Love Languages Promote Selflessness
When you are committed to learning someone else’s love language, you are focused on their needs rather than your own. This is the central premise of Chapman’s theory. Couples should work to learn their partner’s love language rather than trying to convince their partner to learn theirs. Ideally, both people will want to express love in a way that is meaningful to the other.
The entire purpose of exploring your love languages together is to learn how to love your partner in a way that is meaningful to them.
Love Languages Create Empathy
As you learn more about how your partner experiences love, you learn to empathize with them. It helps you step outside of yourself for a moment and take a look at what makes another person feel significant and loved.
When couples are committed to learning and using the love languages, they increase their emotional intelligence and learn how to put someone else’s needs above their own. Instead of speaking their own love language to their partner, they learn how to speak in a language that their partner understands.
Love Languages Help Maintain Intimacy
Regularly talking about what keeps your love tanks full can build more understanding—and ultimately, intimacy—in your relationship. You’ll not only learn more about one another, but you’ll also connect in deeper, more significant ways. When this happens, your relationship feels more intimate.
A 2016 review published in the Global Journal of Health Science concluded that improving communication skills can aid intimacy in a marriage.1
Love Languages Aid Personal Growth
Focusing on something or someone outside of yourself can lead to personal growth. Loving your partner in ways that are outside your comfort zone forces you to grow and change, and to look outside yourself.
Love Languages Help You Share Love in Meaningful Ways
When couples start speaking one another’s love language, the things they do for each other become more intentional and meaningful. They are saying “I love you” in ways that make sense to their partners, who then feel noticed, content, and appreciated.
Love Languages in Everyday Life
According to Chapman, love languages also apply to relationships between parents and children, among coworkers, and among friends. For example, if your child’s primary love language is words of affirmation, they’d like to hear verbal praise or, “I love you.” It’s highly individual: A coworker might feel more appreciated if you use one love language instead of another.
Your love language can also change occasionally. For instance, if you had a bad day at work, you might prefer a hug from your partner rather than an encouraging word.2 Your main language can also change over time, given life stressors or major changes such as having children.
The key is to regularly communicate and ask what your partner needs to feel cherished, heard, appreciated, and loved. Then, put this into practice.